Letter back to Jan

Dear Jan

I just read your pill today.

After that night I wanted to sms you to tell you how I felt too but I guess I thought I should let sleeping dogs lie. To be fair, I should let you know how I feel though I don’t really know where to start.

Let’s start with you really mean a lot to me too. I know how I feel about Carlson affects you and if you feel negatively about someone I was seeing I’d feel the same way too. But can you blame me? If you weren’t the one caught up in the relationship I know you wouldn’t approve of it either.

As a friend I listen to you and share your joy and the pain you go thru. You don’t know how much my heart aches when I see you in pain. First with Hakan and now with Carlson, no doubt you have your good times. I know that feeling of conflict, pain and hurt as well; sometimes you just have to bite the bullet. After the retro party you were so upset you were sitting on the fort canning steps holding on the railing and crying. I wished that some how I could take that all away but I can’t. All I can do is try my best to be there for you.

I know you really want to be with him and he treats you well, but do you really think it’s the right thing to do? If you backed off would he still want to leave his wife at this moment? He may but it’s one thing to be with a person who has already left his wife and it’s another thing to be the contributing factor.

Because of this feeling he gives you, you sometimes choose to ignore that he has already committed himself to someone else. If you looked at this relationship in fragments it would seem right. You both (dare I say) love each other and for once there is someone who really treats you right. Is living in the moment so important?

Like you, when I listen to you talk about that you two go thru (both good and bad) I try to listen and treat it as a simple relationship. But sometimes I can’t. And I know it shows. Like when you talked of how he wanted his son to meet you. I know you two will see it differently, that he wants to initiate you into his family (and it would well be true). But if I found out that my father actually brought me to meet the person he cheats on my mother with I would be terribly upset.

I know you would have wanted him to come to my home for my birthday (I wasn’t lying when I said I wouldn’t have invited Hakan; him, I plain don’t like). It was my fault for not having told you more about my family’s past. Let me elaborate now.

If I did invite Carlson to my home it would be like a slap on my own face. It’s all good that he wants to be in your circle of friends, but I cannot have him in my circle of friends and moreover in my comfort zone. My home was separated because of a man like him. My mother had to leave my father because of the other woman.

My parents separated when my sister was a year old and I was nine.

Which is worse, to be poor or to be despondent? We were both.

Do you think the current place this I stay in is of comfortable size? Before that we stayed in a bungalow 3.5 times the size of where I’m staying now, with a garden surrounding. We had 2 dogs, 2 maids and 2 cars.

After we moved in with my grandparents, my mother almost declared bankruptcy and was set back 10 years financially. Emotionally she was a wreck, when a mother is in that state, how do you think she will treat her children (I won’t go into details on the healing process)? My mom’s anger would come to me and mine to my sister. There are things I cannot undo and will have to live with, I’m just thankful that my sister can forgive & forget. Things weren’t great between my mom and my grandparents either; after all she did marry my father against their wishes.

Everything had to be rebuilt over the years, finances, emotional well-being and family ties.

Did you know if my mother was not a strong person, we would be doing much worse then his current family? When you watch movies, the stereotypes are not far from the truth. A lesser woman would take more then a life time to recover. You know I’m not that religious a person, but believe me when I say this; it is truly by God’s grace that we are all doing well.

I hope after telling you what we went thru after my father made his decision you can understand where I’m coming from.

You might say Carlson is different and I will take it from your point of view. I respect your decision and choice but I will not change the way I feel. I love you from the bottom of my heart and you know I have nothing against you. You are a wonderful person, and I think you deserve nothing less then the best.

I’m just sitting here now reading this letter for the twentieth time wondering if or when I’ll click send.

Always,

Nikki